Sometimes The Worst Place You Can Be Is Inside Your Own Head
I think too much. I think ahead, behind, and sideways. If it exists, I’ve thought of it.
The term “anxiety” seems to be taking a front seat in society these days, but what is it? By definition, anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease. That explains everything, right? Allow me to teach you about the realness and rawness of “anxiety”.
Look at this woman…
Look at that smile. She seems fun, energetic, and the life of the party. She seems HAPPY. All of these descriptions are false pretenses. How do I know? That woman is Me.
In each of these pictures I am numb inside. Every day I am numb inside. Each day I put on my mask of smiles and deceive others. Go ahead, take a look at my social media pages. It appears as if my life is perfect; a loving husband, two gorgeous kids, and the dream life of being a stay-at-home-mom. The life so many others aspire to create. Yet, I’m struggling to keep my head above water.
When I show my true colors, I am told I’m dramatic. Samantha is such a drama queen! Most days I get so stuck in my head that I forget to eat. I am told it’s just a rough day, everyone has those. What happens when those rough days turn into weeks and months? What happens when the weight of everyday suffocates you? It’s as if I’m drowning and they’re standing three feet away yelling “learn to swim”.
Anxiety is a great deal more than a feeling of nervousness. Anxiety is a brain that never stops thinking. Anxiety is not feeling worthy. Anxiety is not being able to focus on one task because the weight of the other undone chores are pulling you down. Anxiety is reading a text message and over-analyzing it to the point where every word is a deep cut. Anxiety is knowing you’re irrational and crazy but not being able to cease it. Anxiety makes you see in black and white. Anxiety is pretending you’re happy. Anxiety is lonely. Anxiety is forgetting how to breathe.
Anxiety is debilitating.
Sometimes all I can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before I fall apart. If I didn’t have little ones counting on me, I honestly don’t know how I’d get out of bed each morning. All the to-do’s and the pressure of being perfect, even though I know I don’t have to be, are constant waves I swallow until my lungs burst. Then I truly do forget how to breathe. So I crash, I let it consume me, and I either pace the house or fall to the floor in panic. Ah, panic attacks. The sweet reassurance that I am indeed as crazy as I think I am.
Anxiety carries many cloaks, and covers beings individually. This is just what my anxiety disorder looks like. A true clinically diagnosed disorder that I fight everyday. A disorder that has been heightened and leaning toward depression recently due to circumstances in which you can read about here.
This is me. This is the way my brain works, and that’s okay. This is Anxiety.